Penis Betrays Virgin for the First Time – Sex Fails (feat. Ryan Beck)

Penis Betrays Virgin for the First Time – Sex Fails (feat. Ryan Beck)


I’m Ryan Beck,
this is a story about how I didn’t lose my virginity,
I just wanted some pizza. My buddy told me, he’s like,
hey, come over to this house, we’re gonna’ have pizza
and we’re gonna’ play scrabble. I was a little shook
when I showed up at the house and it was just him
and two girls. What he meant by pizza
and scrabble, he was gonna’ go upstairs
with this girl, I was there to occupy this girl
that was in community college, oh, bummer. And she’s like,
“What do you want to do?” “Yeah, whatever you want to do.” “I have an idea.”
“Is it scrabble?” “It is not.” We start making out,
we have taken a turn here, something has gone wrong. At that point
she takes off my shirt. I graduated high school
at 130 pounds, nothing about my sharp bird body
is doing anything for anybody. More clothes start to come off,
she’s biting my lips, there was just lots of gnawing. … I knew that I was
supposed to want it to happen, my head is like,
this is what men do. Be prepared to like whiskey,
understand taxes, listen to Steve Miller Band’s
greatest hits. Use hammers. And my penis was like,
we are not gonna’ do this, it’s not gonna’ happen,
I will make sure of it, because I’m gonna’
be an innie now. The penis want out,
it was just like so soft. It was just like retract … it was bad, it was like
the Charmin bear, I couldn’t have been softer
if I used a laundry detergent specifically on my penis. This girl she grabs on to it and is trying to just
throw it around. This is like trying to fit
a string back inside a hoodie. And she had just
shaved her area, dragging my little jelly bean across what feels
like gravel driveway. It was like a 5 o’clock shadow. Do you ever cut your finger on
a cheese grater, an artichoke? Slap fight with a cactus.
I’m like screaming and shit. She’s like, “What’s wrong?
Do you like this?” For one, it felt like
I was a carnival game and she was there
to hurt my penis. And two there’s still no pizza, we’re still going at it,
everything is red, my face, her face, my penis,
we’re both embarrassed. We both knew
this is not gonna’ happen. I put on my clothes,
I was like, I … okay, I left and I thought Ryan,
it looks like you’re a man now. Men have sex
and I was pretty close. I’m a joker, I’m a toker,
I’m a midnight … wait, when does he say,
toker, yeah. I get my lovin’ on the run. That was bad, but then when
I had sex for the first time I was like,
oh I’m gonna’ do that again. I went to over the gas station
and I bought like 300 condoms. You think that you’re
gonna’ have a lot of sex when you do it
for the first time. Dude, I’m gonna’ do this
with everybody. They expired. I mean I don’t know, why would anybody want
to sleep with me, huh? Nobody wants that, most of them
are just out there shaving their area and dragging
your dick across it. It hurts.

100 thoughts on “Penis Betrays Virgin for the First Time – Sex Fails (feat. Ryan Beck)

  1. Awe snaps!!! This is Paris on my baes phone ๐Ÿ“ฑ… happy for you and seriously she must of naaat just shaved lol Iโ€™m gonna die ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿค•ouch

  2. He looks like Jewish Zach Effron. I cant be the only one who thinks this. Like hes steal your girls heart, but also all of the change outta "Take a penny; leave a penny".

  3. That sounds like rape. I mean unless you consented ahead of time that sounds awful and im sorry that happened to you.

  4. The worst thing that can be said at this time.
    Woman: do you not like me? Don't you find me attractive ?
    Guy: sorry no I don't.

  5. Whenever I have sex with a girl for the first and she has pussy stubble I know for 100% she didn't shave that for you

  6. Everybody has some type of body that someone desires. Stop the self deprication people bc your loved. Not trying to be all hippy, its just the truth

  7. I dont get it, was she a hideous wilderbeast?? Brotha man why did you do that to yourself?? So many questions

  8. I'm so happy I came across this! Good to hear a Man talk about an unwanted, weird or awkward sexual encounter.

  9. to the ladies. Suck on it, it gets hard. I get whiskey dick so… yeah.. long story short she knew what to do

  10. God… My first time I tried to put my soft penis in her anyway. I did not speak to her again. And we were both living in the same house with mutual friends. For weeks.

  11. i admire her dedication, my misunderstanding of penis functionality is that if it was gonna show up to do the show it would be here already, i'm ready to give up on it before i even check tbh so … fascinating story dude

  12. Iโ€™m still a virgin at 48! Yay. So many opportunities but I always felt it disrespectful until married.

  13. "Most of them just shave their area and drag your dick across it" lmao!๐Ÿคฃ so true! Most women are terrible at sex, it's just sad.

  14. I was taking a sip of my drink as he said โ€œmost girls are out there just shaving their area and dragging your dick across itโ€ and I chocked on my drink. Haha ๐Ÿ˜‚

  15. I've been betrayed by my penis before lol. A teenager is too young for ED ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

  16. Yooooo ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  17. Virgin in college ? Is this a joke ,this guy is scared of getting laid? She had to have been shrek…. but even then if you're a college virgin you would be looking like a hero with Shrek

  18. This shit had me in literal tears ๐Ÿ˜‚! Every man alive has experienced a moment when their dick stopped working right when the pussy was dripping wet!

  19. Lmao this is like someoneโ€™s first experience smoking weed
    Itโ€™s not the best time the first time
    ๐Ÿ˜ญ and I thought my first time was weird

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