FEELINGS AFTER MISCARRIAGE | Coping With Your Emotions After Baby Loss | Ysis Lorenna

Hi guys welcome back to my channel today
I want to talk about emotions and feelings that you’ll go through after
baby loss and if you don’t know it’s baby loss Awareness Week at the moment
and every year I like to do a video on the topic of baby loss and miscarriage
because I’ve been through one myself and I’ll leave a couple of videos linked to
below if you want to know what happened and but I had an ectopic pregnancy and
had to have it removed with surgery and I found it really difficult to deal with
and at the time there wasn’t that much online about it it was a very lonely
place in my mind and yeah I just feel like making these videos is cathartic
for me but it’s also been very helpful for lots of you who reach out to me
talking about your own experiences with baby loss and today I wanted to focus on
the emotions and the feelings because I feel like a person who’s been through
the loss of a pregnancy or of a baby has changed forever that person is a
completely different person inside something of you was lost at that moment
where you lost your pregnancy it doesn’t have to be a negative life from now on
but it’s definitely a different life and your mind works differently and I want
this video to be for the people who have struggled or have suffered with baby
loss but also for the people who haven’t been through it but we’re trying to
understand what goes through the mind of someone who has suffered at the loss of
a baby because before losing a pregnancy I wouldn’t have understood how hard or
just even how your brain would work when you lose a baby there’s a lot of
innocence in your mind and there’s just a lot of I don’t know just like
ignorance is a bliss isn’t it and after that it becomes slightly different so I
wanted to talk about this because I spend most of my life
thinking about the pregnancy that I lost the life that I could have had
with another baby and how our families could have been different if that baby
had implanted in the right place and I am a very logical person so I spend a
lot of my life being logical about it and once every year in the baby loss
Awareness Week I allow myself to feel emotional about it an irrational and I
just want to scream at the top of my voice and ask why and yeah I wonder if
anyone else feels like that but I just I feel like this is my week to feel
irrational and emotional about my baby loss and I just wanted to go through a
field of a few of the thoughts and emotions that have happened to me or
also things that still happen to me that will always stay with me after losing a
baby I hope you guys find some comfort in watching this video I hope you find
it interesting or just insightful losing a baby is probably one of the most
difficult things that someone has to go through in life and regardless of
whether you lost your baby at one week two weeks pregnant three weeks or at 37
weeks forty weeks or even after your baby’s born
we’re not here to compare pain we’re not here to say who suffers the most we’re
all here to say it’s hard and it hurts and we’re here to support each other and
we understand the pain so let’s get straight on with the video the first
feeling I experienced after my baby loss was that my body had failed me and it
filled me with anger that my body just couldn’t turn that pregnancy into a
healthy pregnancy and a baby and why were other people able to do that why
were other bodies more capable than my body it was something that I didn’t
expect and I had a lack of appreciation for my body at that point nothing to do
with my shape or the way I looked in the mirror it was just a simple lack of
appreciation for that body that could not get that egg in the right place and
implant and grow the baby like I said this is emotional and
irrational and this is what I’m here to talk about feelings are very often
irrational and yeah this is how I felt at the time like I I don’t appreciate
this body that can’t grow a successful pregnancy I have gone on to have two
successful pregnancies and two beautiful babies since that loss so I know how
lucky I am and I thank my lucky stars every day for how fortunate I have been
to be able to get pregnant and have two babies and it’s what fills me with hope
that anyone out there going through a loss at the moment that you will get
there then you’ll get your rainbow baby but that initial feeling when your body
fails you is just a moment of anger that I never expected another thing that I
felt which is linked to the one that I mentioned previously was that now that I
knew my body had failed me I was expecting my body to fail every time I
was expecting my body to fail at every point until I had the baby in my arms
and that kind of spilled over a little bit into my life as well I always look
at other pregnant women and I feel a bit anxious especially if they’re close to
me I feel anxious about them in expecting their bodies to fail almost
thinking that what happened to me might happen to someone else and bring them as
much pain as it brought to me and so it’s like I’ve lost faith in the human
body and how it works when I get ill as well I also expect
myself to you know feel worse than I actually am so if I get a headache I
start to worry whether or not it’s just a headache or if it’s a little bit more
so it’s definitely developed a little bit of anxiety towards illnesses and
diseases in me and that’s not a great feeling it’s something that I fight and
I try not to be negative about my body but something inside me changed after
that loss and it was the realization that my body is not always going to
succeed and that then turned into expecting it to fail so that’s like a
coping mechanism a defense mechanism for me something
else I’ve felt after I lost that pregnancy was a very strong desire to
have a family and have a baby and it wasn’t something that I had I felt
before losing a baby it was on me when I was told I couldn’t have something that
I really wanted and I started to appreciate larger families more than
night than ever than I have ever thought about larger families I look at families
of five six children and I think how blessed and lucky you are to have so
many healthy children and it’s just something funny that happens with me now
and I see large families I really appreciate them because I know how easy
it is it’s just like that to lose a pregnancy so I really appreciate larger
families now but at the same time another feeling is a feeling of being
scared of growing my own family because if my body’s failed me once what’s
stopping it from failing again and so for me to decide to get pregnant the
second time was a mixture of I’m really determined to have a family now that my
body’s failed me but I’m really scared and really worried about what’s gonna
happen and how that’s gonna affect me and then when I went on to try for baby
number two I was scared again of tempting fate you know I have one
healthy child why try again and maybe something will happen so these are
constant thoughts in my head especially now that we’ve been talking
about possibly trying for baby number three or even considering the
possibility of having baby number three I’m always constantly thinking I have a
history behind me I am NOT just an innocent person with an innocent mind to
thinking that I can have a baby whenever I want and that history makes me feel
like maybe two is good enough and maybe I shouldn’t tempt fate and try again
so yeah I wonder if anyone else feels like that because I know like my logical
brain is telling me to give you all the reasons why
this is all irrational but I’m here to be irrational and emotional on this
video I’m not here to say to you I know that that’s no reason to not have a baby
I’m here to say that’s how I feel and it’s okay to feel like that because
losing the baby changes you another feeling which is such a shame that you
have to feel like that but I feel like everyone who’s lost a baby and goes on
to have another pregnancy feels like early pregnancy is a period of no hope
completely you just expect your body to miscarry or you expect your body to fail
you expect it’s been another ectopic pregnancy it’s just a no hope period so
it kind of seeps and ticks away that happiness that you feel when you find
out you’re pregnant which is just I feel so robbed of that because I never get I
never got to have that my first pregnancy was my loss my ectopic
pregnancy and so since then the two times that I’ve been pregnant afterwards
were all filled with worries and dread rather than happiness and an excitement
so the early pregnancy for me is just a period of no hope it’s not until I get
to about 12 16 weeks that I start to feel like maybe this will be okay and
the last thing that I feel since losing a baby is that I am hyper aware of my
body every twinge every egg every niggle even the smallest things I feel and I
notice and before I probably wouldn’t have noticed any of that really aware of
all the aches and pains and the twinges and the little signs of anything
possibly being wrong with my body and I feel like I’m like that even when I’m
not pregnant or trying to get pregnant just on a daily basis I’m so aware of
everything that’s happening in my body and it kind of helps me like keep track
of my cycles you know my fertility because I I know when I’m ovulating
I feel the ovulation Payne I know when up my period is coming
I know when it’s gonna finish it’s just I’m really aware and really sensitive
towards my body since losing a baby and I did not have that before losing a
pregnancy I wasn’t that tuned in with my body and
I feel like that’s something that changed since then since the loss so
that’s everything that I had to share with you guys today I hope you found
this video interesting if you’re going through a loss please don’t feel like
you’re alone you’re not alone there’s plenty of support for you out
there is the channel on forum if you go on my description box below I’m going to
leave a link to the channel mum forum it’s a great place to talk to other mums
and to you know health professionals and people who can help you deal with your
loss if you’re struggling and also just comment below and let’s talk let’s keep
talking about it if you feel like talking it took me a while to talk about
my loss so I do understand if you don’t feel like talking about it yet but yeah
we’re not alone losing a baby hurts and it’s something that you carry with you
for the rest of your life I hope you’re all doing well and I will see you all in
my next video bye

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