EVERY PREGNANCY EVER

EVERY PREGNANCY EVER


Hey, so I want you to know, I know your hormones are gonna be all crazy with the pregnancy, but I’m gonna do my best not to upset you. That’s really sweet, but I have complete control over my emotions. I’m gonna be like the chillest pregnant woman ever. Cool. *coughs* What was that?! I-uhh-I coughed Well okay, it woke me up and I’m too tired to fall asleep, so now I’m gonna have high blood pressure, and the baby’s not gonna develop properly, and it’s probably gonna turn out to be like a serial killer, or an investment banker, so I hope that cough was worth it to you, DUSTIN! Um, uh, I’m sorry? I’M UPSET, WHY AREN’T YOU COMFORTING ME?! *cries* Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. Oh god, you smell like water! (wut jus happened) What the fuck? (same) Every Pregnancy Ever Oh, how do you feel about Emily? Emily Grace Bundy? Urgh, no. Reminds me of Emily Reagan. Urgh, god. In third grade, she used to take a part of PB&J sandwich and slap the jelly side right on my back. *chuckles* Cool. It’s not cool how she did that to you as well. Oh, what about Victoria? Oh, like that stripper that I heard about from Dave? Tell me all about her. Nevermind. Oh, I got it! Theodora? After my grandma. Oh, I actually really like that! Oh, we could call her like Teddy or Ted for short! I love that. Wait. Does, does Ted Bundy sound familiar to you? Uh, yeah. That’s when you know it’s a good name. He’s kicking my spleen right now! Now, the contractions should start to beginning a little bit more intense. So, if you want an epidural for the pain… No. No drugs. I wanna be present and feel everything. Well, alright. Well, if you decide otherwise… *cries in pain* DRUGS! GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS! Are you sure, baby? You said you didn’t want your dru- ahhhh. oh, god. Give her the drugs, give her the drugs. MAKE ME FUCKING NUMB!!! I’m craving ham but also death. Any day now, huh? Heh, yep. You’re not gonna give birth in a hospital, am I right? I am, why? Oh well, a water birth is way easier. Plus, hospitals just treat you like a number. You know if you want ever a recommendation for a great birthing center with an awesome midwife… No, thanks. Were your kids born there? No, I don’t have any kids. Gross. No. I do have a cat, though. Was not really my cat. The cat is in labor when I found him once. So he’s like a furbaby. (wtf just happened) Oh no, my innie has become an outie. That thing’s not true too, like I’m scared I’m gonna have to end up getting a C-section and I don’t want that. Really? I think I’d rather have my abdomen sliced open than my vagina torn to shreds. Yeah but the incision get infected like so easily. Like, can you imagine, taking care of a newborn baby while also having this open, gaping wound that’s infected across your abdomen? Hmm… Infected gaping wound or a vagina that looks like hamburger meat? Hmmm… *throws up in disgust* I can’t wear my true religions anymore. I can’t wait to find out what genitalia our unborn child’s gonna have in front of all our friends and family who probably don’t even care. Yeah, and I’m gonna be visibly upset if it’s a girl because I don’t know how to relate to women that I’m not trying to have sex with. And we’re both gonna put a ton of pressure on our child to meet all the gender stereotypes Yeah, we are. Alright, let’s do this, guys! 3, 2, 1! *cheering* (congrats, it’s a boy) Now I can love my child until he disappoints me! *awkwardly cheers some more by himself* It’s not a pregnancy glow, I’m just sweating. Hey uh, when’s the baby due? What baby?! Oh, I-I am so sorry. I thought, honest to God, like… Dude, I’m just fucking with you, you idiot. It’s due tomorrow, you fucking moron. Hey Chloe, I just did the “What baby?” joke to Luke and he totally fell for it. Ahuhu, what a fucking moron. I know, right? You stupid, stupid little man. I heard Becky says she was impregnated by aliens. Thank you Oh, what a beautiful little blessing. Uhh… oh, pizza and ice cream. Wowl, rude. Let’s go, kids. *baby pizza and ice cream crying* We’re ready to be parents. Oh, parents to a little Ted Bundy.. Mm-hm, a little Bundy in the oven. We’re gonna make good choices that affect you in the long run. Yeah, sweetheart. We’re thinking about your future. Right away. BEFORE I KILL MY HUSBAND! I’LL DO IT! I’LL FUCKING DO IT! Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Oh no. I don’t have any kids. *chuckles* I’m just a very specific kind of pervert. Ok, cool. So, um… send me pics Yeah man, sure man! Oh, you’re in it. I’m on! Subs made by Jumper Dumper (and revised by thxnhvy hxynh) Make sure to like, comment, and subscribe! Peace!

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