Cameron Esposito Stand-Up


>>YOU GUYS, JAMES CORDEN,
REGGIE WATTS, HOW GOOD ARE THEY? (APPLAUSE)
>>THEY ARE SO GOOD. I AM ALSO SO GOOD. (LAUGHTER)
WE ARE ABOUT TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN, YOU GUYS, THREE MONTHS AGO
I GOT MARRIED. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>THANK YOU. IT’S VERY EXCITING. I THINK MARK CUBAN OWES ME AT
LEAST $100. BUT LIKE MAYBE THE DALLAS MAF
RICKS, RIGHT? LIKE A WEDDING GIFT. MY WIFE SHE IS AMAZING. YOU WOULD LOVE HER. SHE’S SO CAPABLE. THAT’S ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT
HER. LIKE THE OTHER DAY SHE CHANGED
THE HEADLIGHT ON MY CAR WITH HER HANDS. I DIDN’T KNOW COULD YOU DO THAT. SOMETHING IS BROKE IN MY CAR, I
USUALLY JUST ABANDON IT. I LOST TWO, THREE CARS THAT WAY,
I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A THING YOU COULD DO AS A HUMAN BEING. AND BEING AROUND SOMEBODY LIKE
THAT HAS MADE ME FEEL SO SEAVMENT AND HAVE I HAD TO
CHANGE MYSELF. BECAUSE NOW SINCE WE GOT MARRIED
EVERY NIGHT AT 11 P.M., IF I’M STILL AWAKE, I FIND THAT I WOULD
IKE TO HAVE A BABY. NOW I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
THE “LATE, LATE SHOW,” THIS IS NEW STUFF. I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN I WANTED TO
PARENT BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD BUY OR STEAL KIDS. I NEVER THOUGHT I MIGHT LIKE TO
HAVE A– THEY DON’T EVEN MAKE MATERNITY MOTORCYCLE JACKETS. LIKE WHAT– WHAT WOULD I WEAR? YOU GUYS WHEN A BABY COMES OUT,
IT HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR. WHICH MEANS IF YOU REVERSE THAT
PROCESS RIGHT BEFORE THAT MOM GAVE BIRTH TO THAT BABY IT MEANS
SHE HAD A FULL HEAD OF SOMEBODY ELSE’S HAIR INSIDE OF HER BODY. AND I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE
WITH THAT. I DON’T THINK ANY OF US FEEL
KFORT DABLE WITH THAT. WE WILL THROW AWAY SOUP IF IT
HAS ONE HAIR IN IT THAT IS NOT OUR OWN. BUT IT IS AN ENTIRE HEAD OF HAIR
AND IT WAS ALREADY INSIDE OF YOU BECAUSE IT GREW IN THERE. OH NO THANK YOU. PLUS WHENEVER I IMAGINE CHILD
BIRTH I JUST IMAGINE ONE ARM POPS OUT OF MY VAGINA AND IT
UNZIPS ME. AND YEAH, CAN I SAY THAT ON
TELEVISION. I DON’T THINK I’M THAT OFF BASE,
I’VE HEARD IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TRACK
MYSELF, SO MY BODY IS JUST LIKE I WANT TO BUILD SOMETHING. HAVE I BEEN WORKING WITH LEGO
SETS. MY APARTMENT IS COVERED IN “STAR
WARS” VEHICLES. NONE OF WHICH ARE DRIVEN BY
WOMEN AND THAT’S A REAL PROBLEM. NOW I WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ONE
THING, IF WE DECIDE TO DO THIS, WE WILL HAVE TO GET A– TAKEOUT. (LAUGHTER)
CUZ WE DO HAVE ALL THE RAW MATERIALS FOR A BABY IN OUR
KITCHEN. IT’S LIKE DEFINITELY A DELIVERY
AND NOT A DIGIIORNO SITUATION. I TONIGHT KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER
HEARD ANYBODY TALK ABOUT SPERM DONOR, I’VE HEARD IT A LOT. IF WE RUN IF DIFFERENT CIRCLES. PEOPLE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT IT THE
SAME WAY. THEY’LL BE LIKE OH, WE GOT THE
BEST ONE. WE GOT THE BEST SPERM. WE GOT LIKE A WHOLE BOOK FULL OF
BABY PICTURES OF DUDES THAT WANT TO DONATE SPERM, BABY PICTURES
OF THOSE DUDES AND WE LOOKED THROUGH IT AND WE PICKED THE
HOTTEST BABY. AND THEN WE MADE SURE THAT BABY
WAS SMART AND IT WAS. IT WAS LIKE A HOT, SMART BABY. AND THAT BABY GREW UP TO DO MANY
THINGS. THAT BABY WAS A POLITICAL
ORGANIZER, A SENATOR AND THEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. AND YOU ARE HE LIKE BARACK OBAMA
WAS YOUR SPERM O DONOR. AND THEY ARE LIKE WE CAN NEITHER
CONFIRM OR DENY BUT LOOK AT THE EARS, MY POINT IS —
MR. PRESIDENT, MY POINT IS I THINK IT’S THE WRONG STRATEGY. IT’S NOT MY STRATEGY. I DON’T WANT THE BEST GUY IF THE
BOOK. I WANT THE WORST GUY IN THE
BOOK. I WANT A GUY WHO IS LIKE
IRRESPONSIBLE, PICKED UP FOR LOITERING, ARE YOU AT A PARTY
WITH THIS GUY AND THE PARTY RUNS OUT OF DORITOS SO HE GOES TO GET
MORE DORITOS AND ON THE WAY BACK TO THE PARTY HE EATS ALL THE
DORITOS! WHAT A SELFISH GUY! SEE, I WANT THAT GUY BECAUSE
THEN LATER WHEN MY WIFE AND I ARE RAISING OUR BABY AND OUR
BABY SCREUS UP, BECAUSE ALL CHILDREN SCREW UP, CAN I TURN TO
MY WIFE AND BE LIKE, THAT WAS NOT US. (APPLAUSE)
THAT WAS DORITO FINGERS FOR SURE. YOU GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH, I’M
CAMERON ESPOSITO.

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